Storytime: That One Date with Brother Know-It-All & the Crotchless Jeans

"Why God Is Still Protecting Me in This Dating Season"

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BY SIMONE SNEAD

Let me just say this. Dating is… interesting. I think I’m going to start documenting my dating journey because whew — the way these stories keep finding me is almost disrespectful.

Let me take y’all back to one date that lives rent-free in my memory — because it was equal parts wild and hilarious.

I’d been chatting with this guy — let’s call him Brother Know-It-All.

On paper, he checked some of the boxes: tall, fine chocolate man, educated, loved the Lord, and claimed to enjoy deep conversations. But something felt a little… off.

He worked in finance, was always in the gym (I know this because he sent unsolicited workout selfies like it was his love language), and oh — he “knew a lot” about a lot. I’m all for just knowing random facts, so I thought it was cool. Red flag? Maybe. But I was trying to be open.

My male cousins (and now my brother-in-law a.k.a. my best friend’s husband) swear I don’t give men a real chance, so I said, “Okay Simone, be open. Prove them wrong.”

He invited me to the pier and there was a carnival situation going on — cute date idea, I’ll give him that. I pulled up with my hair laid (I love a good silk press), casual-cute outfit, smelling delicious (it was actually a Burberry Her mixed with Burberry Blush day—AMAZING!) .

And then I see him… y’all.

He looked a little raggedy. Okay….a lot. R-A-G-G-E-D-Y! He stepped out of his car wearing jeans that had clearly survived several battles. And right in the crotch area, there was a massive hole. Not a “my thighs rubbed together” rip — a “you saw this and still left the house” rip.

Now listen, us thick-thigh girlies know all about the struggle. We’ve all had a favorite pair of jeans betray us in the thigh area. But bruh…

The man had on his shiny, polished church shoes. With jeans and a wrinkled t-shirt.And to top it all off, he had evidence of his dog all over him. I’m talking fur on the shirt, the pants, probably in his mouth too.

I ain’t even gonna lie, when I saw him in the parking lot, I wanted to get right back in my car.But I could already hear my cousins saying, “You didn’t even give the man a chance! ”So I took a deep breath, said a prayer, and decided to see it through.

The carnival part wasn’t bad.We played some games, he tried to win me a teddy bear (basketball clearly wasn’t his thing, bless it), and we got some carnival food.

I’m literally one of the kindest people ever, so when he started being rude to the teenage workers behind the counter, it blew me.Like, sir… it’s giving ugly behavior.That was strike two.

But again, I was trying to grow.So we walked the pier, talked, and honestly — this part gave him a little humanity.He shared a lot about his upbringing, family, and future dreams.

Cool.Until he started talking about “our future”.Sir, we are not even having a future conversation with your kneecaps peeking through them jeans. For context, this was a first date. I’m all about first impressions. At this point, he was already failing.

Then came the moment I should’ve left for real — he started mansplaining Black women’s health to me.Had the nerve to suggest we are the problem.

Me.The woman who has literally dedicated her public health career and research to racial disparities in maternal health.

Me. A Black woman who lives this life everyday. 

I sat there blinking in disbelief.You ever been so shocked you go quiet? That was me.

We wrap up the night, and he walks me to my car like a gentleman (a dusty one, but still).Tells me to text when I get home.

I sit in my car, call my best friend to give her the full rundown — and as I’m mid-sentence, I hear a loud thud.

Y’all.This man reversed into the car next to mine… paused…looked around… then drove off.Like it was a normal Tuesday.

I call him like, “Hey, are you good?”

And he’s acting like nothing happened.

That was the icing on the cake.

And when I eventually told him I wasn’t interested anymore, he had the nerve to be confused and tells me that I’m running away from what God has for me. No, I’m running away from them red flags that were bright like a fire truck the whole night.

Now my cousins say I block everybody — but this time I stayed way longer than I should have.I should’ve taken myself to dinner and spared my spirit as soon as I saw them crotchless jeans in that parking lot. 

Nonetheless, it was a very memorable experience.I still laugh about it.

But whew — I cannot wait until my actual husband finds me.Because God is gonna do His big one for real.

Until then, I’ll just keep sharing the journey — and maybe vetting for holes in the jeans before the dates.

If you have any crazy dating experiences, I’d love to hear them. We are in this together sis!

Have you ever dealt with something like this???

• 0%Sis! Yesss omg!
• 0%OMG No!